its good like sarah major said. "..it feels like when you sit out in the sun and you close your eyes and you can feel the heat on your body, in your blood, and the rays are behind your eyes and it lights up your lids so it's bright like heaven's supposed to be." its nice like that.

i was thinking just now, while pouring myself a glass of water that i don't like my kitchen. i don't like it at all. those appliances lined up along the countertops like in a department store, and too many dishes in the sink. the refrigerator has underwear stuck to it with a magnet, and is full of too many big brand name condiments and moldy vegetables and too much bacon. this is not my kitchen. one day i will have my own and i will love it. and it will have a bright red tea kettle on the stovetop.

i was thinking a very strange thought earlier, but then i thought it was not so strange. i think when i find a someone i will marry, we better have a relationship as good as i have with my sister, you know minus the fact that we're sisters, and plus the fact that it would be a nice boy that i could hug and kiss. i don't know if that can happen without the 17 years of growing up together, but i hope it can. because being able to just hang out and talk is good. the best part is that it wasn't always like that, and although maybe that doesn't seem like it should be the best part, i love it. i love that we all went through the childish battles of siblings vs. siblings, and the mean spiteful years of trying to tear off limbs and pull out hair. because now its so much easier to appreciate, and so nice to see the growth in each of us. how we've gone from sheltered little kids into these teens, or young adults, young women, whatever you might call us. and now we're people who think and talk and are aware. i love that we've done this somewhat separately so its almost like we're good friends that grew up together a few years back.

i think i've finally gotten tired of being typically lovelorn and lonely and depressed and pleading. on occasion i feel it for a moment, and my last entry was me having rash emotions. but i see the triviality, and i can see when i being overreactive and self-depreciating for no good reason. i don't want to be some image. i don't want to do things for the sake of others thinking i'm that image, or me feeling like i'm that image. i want to do the things i like to do and feel wonderful because i do them. and i will just be me. like i've been doing all along i guess, because who else can i be. but i will also be liking me, and my image will be me and that is lovely.

and i like to smoke. i really do. i know all the risks involved, its ingrained in my mind that its bad. the government and my parents have done good work. but that doesn't mean i won't do it. it doesn't change me, and i'll stop sometime. so accept that. ((i think that i'm talking to my mother when i say that))

i'm feeling freer now.

xo-kt

ps-i know you're in arizona, and i hope you're loving it, but i know you'll read this sometime. i love you emilie my darling, i love you and your originality and our way of communicating. be joyful and sing ((because i love when we do)) and don't ever doubt your self-worth.

abreaction complete.