its just that i like to think that as i grow older, my antisocial tendencies and depressed feelings would somehow start to fade, and that eventually, the gaping hole inside of me thats always trying to pull me in would fill up. fill up with something that will make me feel so whole and completely happy that i will be able to ...i'm not sure. i guess just live my life, caring for my family, spending time with my husband and children, and working at a job i enjoy. maybe i have this romantic, idealistic view of my life after college.

maybe the problem is that i come here to release my feelings and worries and anxiety. and i just hope one day i dont have so much of that that i need a place to release it like this.

sometimes i think i have this romantic, idealized version of everything. which is maybe why i'm never happy with anything in the end. too much of an optimist maybe? my high hopes are always left unfulfilled eventually.

its hard to explain this to people who really try to do everything right for me. i guess its hard to please someone who wants perfection, and not even exactly perfection, just her sense of an ideal perfection to fulfill the life she's dreamed up for herself.

maybe if i could shoot my dreams down now i could be blissfully happy in my ignorance from now on.

i wish i could just stop thinking and analyzing and just enjoy the moment.

((little man just flip the switch every now and then and let me enjoy the nice quiet absence of thought))