today i had plans and now they just don't seem so relevant. most likely because my tummy is being tempermental. but i guess thats what happens when people call you at midnight and invite you to a little "private" party. and your parents despite they're recent prison guardesque attitude, release you after some hesitation. freedom. so good and so bad. and falling asleep on people's couches/floors at 5 in the morning. after excessive ring of fire. well lets just say i'm feeling good and ready to be the DD for a few nights right about now.

so i'm sittin here in my pajammie jammies. thinking aobut things. and people who haven't called me back yet. and gettin kidna cold. cause there's no fire made and i'm not feeling like makin one. maybe my good sister will make one when she gets home. highly doubtful. but one can hope. perchance i should go grab my robe. or a big blankie blanket. i'm feeling quite relaxed, cozy, and content right now cept for this cold. i spent all last night too close to herbie the heater. a very warm guy he is.

yesterday in my travels outing and abouting in chico, i opened my checking account and was happy. i also visited the house of rice and few other nice little shops and made fine purchases. but small ones.

i also visited barnes and noble and ended up finding too many good books. but what can ya do. there was a cute boy working and he was my cashier. which made it more interesting because of one book i was purchashing for ms. katiekakes' 19th birthday. i'll further explain latah.

speakin of ms. mcmillen, her birthday is on friday and i believe she's having a "dinner outing" at logan's roadhouse at 7. and all are welcome.

tomorrow is thursday. which means at 11:00 i can be at home in my room. yay.

although i most likely won't be there until at least 2. i'm not an early person. i'm very excited to be seeing everyone in the next few days.

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i've been listening to ben a lot the last couple days. and bright eyes. music is amazing stuff. and for some reason lately i've been feeling quite different that i was before. i haven't really been feeling melancholy.i just think about things and even though i haven't made sense of anything somehow i am more able to just know that things aren't right. and live with that for the moment. i'm not sure why this is. and i'm sure it won't last forever. but sometimes its nice to not cry so much and not feel every single emotion so intensely that i consumes you. to just be carefree is a nice thing every so often.

and i'm coming to understand that while some people enjoy the chase and chasing. and the drama. and the troubles and breakups and new love. i don't want any of it. i just want to know if there really is that one person out there meant for me. and if there is i'd like to find that person and just know. and then i could be with that person forever. and not have to worry about any of these things again. obviously this is not something thats going to happen anytime soon. but then again you never know. he could be right around the corner.

i don't want my head so filled up with doubts and hopes and confused thoughts all the time.

i'm sorry to you and you and you. you don't need to be sorry. it was me that wanted that. and you that was never quite sure. so theres really no reason for you to feel sorry when it leaves me feeling empty in the end.

and i'm sorry to you. because i should never act on my uncertain feelings and worry about how i really feel later.

and i'm sorry to you. because i always thought it would work. and i should have opened my eyes and saw the truth and shared it with you long before i did what i did. but you should be sorry too. because for that, i blame you as equally as i blame me. it should have been easier for you to see everything that was so wrong. and you never did.

and i thank you because every time i fuck up eventually you're still my good friend. and you can see me. and explain to me when i do the right and wrong things. and i know you give me unbiased advice. even though you're an ass to me often. its usually after i've deserved it.

and to you. i'm only sorry for the end. although i dont think it affected you at all. so i am probably wasting that apology. and you should be sorry. because despite any confusion or needing of time. i think you knew what you wanted much sooner than you let me believe. but maybe its all for the better. attachment may be all i ever feel ((mistaken for true feelings))

watch me now making a display of my feelings. and bringing back that which i was saying moments ago was lost.

if you'll just leave me be and be honest and straightforward and direct with me. it would all be so much easier. because i may seem to avoid somethings. but sometimes i need you to step up and take responbility too. and straighten things out. because i need finality. i need closure.