i woke up too late today (this is expected anymore though i guess) and basically didn't do a whole lot. just read, went online, watched special features on waking life, showered, and did my hair for a few hours.

then my dad came home and reminded me that i hate living at home.

he was in one of his moods tonight, and while i was upstairs apparently began to lecture ali about being lazy, not trying hard enough in school, not being focused, not taking caring of her car, not having the rest of her life planned out, etc etc.

so then i unknowingly walked into the target zone and sat down to work on filling out some applications while i waited for dinner to be done and my dad goes straight for me. he begins to lecture me about the fact that i think i'm still a little kid and i stay up all night, sleep all day, don't try at all, have no focus, am irresponsible, wasting my life away, and that i need to grow up and realize i'm an adult now. and then he starts a talk with my mother, while i'm still sitting right there mind you, about how i haven't tried at all because i think i don't need to and because i think i have some free ride to float on forever while i wander with no focus. and that i don't care whatsoever about my grades and school and all i'm doing is worrying about my social life, and being "frou-frou" as he put it. i don't even know what that means. and my parents don't even know i've gotten my grades, much less have seen them.

i told my dad that he's making assumptions based on how he has seen me act for the last 5 weeks of break in which i've been living at home with nothing to do but go to work. and that i'm 19 and supposed to be having fun, and if he would recall he was a lot worse than me at my age, and also that i don't in fact have any such free ride, as they aren't paying any of my bills. every cent paid to chico state for me has been from scholarships and grants. that i've earned.

much arguing ensued. as well as more of my dad making unrelated comments, such as,"you're so pale now. you're even paler than your mom and she always looks like she's seen a ghost. you look like you died. you used to tan at the drop of a hat. i remember when you were younger, you used to always be outside. and really athletic too. while your brother and sister rode bikes you'd run along beside them talking the whole time. didn't even wind you. and now you're pale like you're dead and not athletic at all. and never work hard at anything." and ramble ramble ramble. gee he's such a nice guy.

after an hour or so, i retreat to my room, unable to listen to his biased, closed-minded opinions and assumptions, only to hear him begin arguing with my mom about how she doesn't include him in anything involving "the kids". how we go to her for things like money and permission to do things. how he wants to be included and is only "a phone call away". he forgot to mention he's an ass and that anytime we ask him for ANYTHING, be it $5 or $100, to go over to someone's house for a few hours, or say to drive down to santa rosa for new years, he turns it into an at the very very least 20 minute discussion of the pros and cons and in the end 96% of the time says no. why you ask? because he doesn't think its a "good idea" at the time. if you would like to know about other times he has decided things were obviously not a good idea, i can tell you about the time he decided it was "obvious" that chico was where i was going to go. i love chico now, don't get me wrong. its just an example of my dad's stubborn, i am always right nature.

later i came back downstairs to hear the end of a very one-sided discussion in which my dad was discussing mainly with himself, why it would obviously be better for everyone if i lived at home next semester so i could "really get down to studying" and have some "control" in my life.

so after my dad concluded his discussion that perhaps the dog had been interested in. he sat quietly and watched tv for a while until i was about to leave because earlier it had been okay that i leave after dinner and go out, but suddenly it needed to be discussed.

so then began the 40 minute discussion of why i need to leave and drive to town, what i was going to do, who might be present, what activities might be taking place, why it was necessary that i do this, and that i need to be home by 12:30. not 12:35. not 12:40, 12:30. and that i need to wake my parents up when i get home to let them kn0w i'm home, and proceed directly to bed, do not "play around" on the computer, do not watch tv, do not pass go, do not collect $200. i agreed, and attempted to leave, when my dad says, now that sounded kinda sarcastic, come sit down, we're in the middle of a discussion. so i had to listen to him rephrase his requirements about 10 times and answer yes dad i will each time before i was finally allowed to leave. i'm so glad he likes to lecture me about not acting like an adult, and then treats me like i'm 14.

so after escaping, i made it to town in time to go sit at brandon's with the high school kids, all very high, and watch movies. better than sitting at home with my parents, but not quite exciting. i was planning on having a fun night. i'm not referring to drinking or anything, just doing something exciting. either way, it was a rather mundane night. maybe hanging out in willows every night with high schoolers, and the out of high school still living in willows and getting drunk and high every day crowd is just getting old. i dunno. i'm just glad that thursday is so close...and i can always come back and visit. i think thats better for me than being a permanent resident here.

the rest of the week should go better as my parents will be working all day, and there won't really be anything going on as high school and butte college will be back in session, so there won't be any need to attempt escape.

tomorrow i'll be spending most of the day in chico, turning in applications, and opening a checking account if anyplace is open on martin luther king jr.'s birthday. we'll see.

now its time to sleep. sorry if i bored you. that was a long rant. but it needed to be said.

-meow