and i had convinced myself long ago that it didn't matter. that that little fact was not as big of a deal as everyone makes it into. that i don't need to miss you just because of that. and i dont. but sometimes i remember and i don't know whether to feel sad or ashamed or angry or not to care.

you should have told me then how much it changes everything. theres no way you didn't know.

how do you live your life now? i want to know if the same things still drive you. i want to know if you ever lay awake at night and think of me. i want to know if you ever feel sad that i'm gone. i want to know if i even affected you at all. and maybe you wonder the same things about me...

i miss having you to go to, but i don't know how to be friends. or if its even possible.

most of all i dont even know why i've been thinking so much about you these past couple weeks. maybe i just need an obsession. a focus for my discontent. i don't know why i chose to write this to you when all it ever does is bring me down.

and if i see you tomorrow will you say hello and walk away. don't smile sweetly or listen to anything i say. don't look with those eyes. because i don't want to see. a light burning there for me.