maybe nothing is confusing as i tell myself it is.

maybe if i could be straight forward like cyd charisse all the time this wouldn't happen.

i want a Shrimp

i don't want to feel that pain that comes and goes. i want it to leave me alone.

if he had never happened(things would be easier)

and sometimes this gets so hard. this holding it all inside.

why do things like that happen. things that no one can know. things that go into your hole of deep dark secrets.

but not the kind of deep dark secrets you whisper to your friends in the middle of a night of bonding.

the kind of deep dark secrets you don't know if you can ever tell anyone.

the kind that you keep locked inside and make you cry into your pillow at night and muffle the sobs so that no one asks questions.

the kind that won't let you finish a book when it mentions THAT.

the kind of secret that you only forget about when you have a someone there to love. a someone that you want to take care of you and that you trust. a someone that you believe can do this if only for the moment.

i wish it never happened.

i wish he had died.

and i wish i had never ever had to think about that.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry that it happened.

i'm sorry i'm so stupid.

i'm sorry i'm so naive.

i'm sorry its so easy for me to lie.

and i'm sorry that i can't forget it. be cause i want to more than anything.

((will this ever stop haunting me))