its not christmas eve. it can't be. the christmas tree, the presents, the stockings. they just seem out of place. like they don't belong here. no one is acting cheerful and wishing merry christmas. there are no festivities. my brother and sister aren't even home...

everyone goes about their life. its like we're ignoring christmas.

sorry tree, i didn't see you there.

sorry lights. sorry ornaments. i apologize christ.

the closer morning comes the more melancholy creeps into me. maybe next year i should try not trying to make christmas what i think it should be.

my friend is not at home with his family tonight and i said it was sad and then thought about it, and i know i would rather be in chico with my friends than at home right now. is that right?

i look at my tree and i detest the way christmas has become an obligation to buy lots of presents for lots of people.

and i hate when people blame anything on hormones. but i'm so pmsing right now. i don't usually think that. but i know i am. and i'm moody, and irritable, and thinking too much, and confused, and not quite happy.

and then i feel guilty for not wanting to be here with my family when i know they want me here. especially my mom.

and i'm entering in here again because i'm bored and i'm staying up till midnight mass. which means i need to shower and get ready soon. so i can go to mass. go to sleep. go to work. merry christmas to you too.