watching raw dvd on a 57" tv is something. something indeed. (i'm sorry to myself for taking advantage of my dad's ridiculously, unnecessarily big tv)

san francisco was fun (thanks for coming guys) although nothing amazing nor epic occured, it was enjoyable to spend time with nice people and to be in the city where my spirit feels at home.

so now i can say i'm "twenty-something." although at this point its merely 20 and an hour and a half. which doesn't seem very remarkable, but time is sure to pass.

earlier today i thought a few things about life and moments and the day after tomorrow. because those things come to mind when you reach landmarks such as these birthday celebrations we've created to count off the years of our existence.

so these are the things i was thinking that i'm getting better at with age, meaning with experience and lots of thought:

1. Sometimes thinking something is just as good, or better than, saying it.

I've had this tendency all of my life to need to tell people what I'm thinking, my opinions on things, new things i've obtained, and things that i've done. Now, this may seem obvious to you, because many people do this to some degree, but i often have overwhelming feelings of needing to tell people these things, and needing them to understand my love/happiness/ appreciation/sadness/sympathy. I actually feel a sort of anxiety when I don't feel that they are, which is often, or when i feel that someone else is getting their feeling across better than I. So what i've realized is that the important thing is that i feel the way that i do and appreciate things the way that i do, and thats okay. its enough for me to know that i love them. and that is a valuable thing to learn.

2. What happens is what what had to happen.

Now, what you have to understand is that i'm not trying to get into the free will argument. i'm only saying that i'm learning to accept that you can or cannot decide what will happen up until the moment it happens. After that, at any moment in which you look back upon said occurence, it will always be what had to have happened for you to be where and what you are, looking back upon it. You ought to (i would say have to, but certainly that is debateable) accept that fact, and learn how you are going to learn from what happened, by which i mean you should find the good in what happened, the lesson if you will, or just remember the loveliness of the entire occurence, should that be the case. Forget whether or not it "should" have happened. that fact is no longer important.

3. Don't be too optimistic.

I'm all for optimism. I usually expect the best. I expect people to be kind and wonderful, I expect everything to turn out just how i'd like it to. At least during the first few seconds of the chain reaction. it doesn't take long to realize that how you think you'd like things to turn out usually is not how they turn out, and often is not how you would later like them too. So, by number 3, i mean that you should not be too optimistic about things working out perfectly the way you first imagine them, because then you will spend all your time searching for that storybook ending and feeling great disappointment with each "wrong turn." If you take away that expectant optimism, you are left with pleasant surprises, quiet relaxing times, and the occasional bad days. however, the days you view as "bad" will be much fewer and far between.

i hope you can get something out of this wisdom i feel i've gained. but then again, its okay if you don't. i already have, and, well, most of you are still in your teens and its expected that you will stubbornly ignore the wisdom of your elders and have to learn all the lessons on your own.
and really, that's quite acceptable.

xo-kt