"Hearts are not only beating, they are all counting down."

"and every drop numbs the both of us."

so these are the quotes that hang about my desktop at work. i was just thinking that maybe people read those and try to read into them somehow, to maybe understand something about me. and i was thinking that really it would be hard to learn much from them except that i like the way words sound. especially when they're somewhat abstruse. and ali fucks moderation on occasion, but i screw it almost everyday.

so i'm going to just go all out today. its 3:06, and i'm the only one left in the office. i'm not really down with this working during intercession. i need the money, or i wouldn't. the faculty and paula had given me the impression that we would be incredibly busy over break with all of the projects there wasn't time for during the regular semester; however, this has not been the case. at least 75% of the time, i'm the only one in the office, and at least 85% of the time, i have nothing to do. at all. and i've been getting so bored that its not even fun to be getting paid to sit and be online. because i run out of things to look at. and i'd really like to be doing something at least a wee bit more productive. what an awful way to spend every afternoon.

i was just pondering something, do you think someone is more selfish/self-absorbed or one of those things, if they want everyone to be interested in things that happen in their life, and what they have to say, or if they are someone who doesn't really notice what anyone else is doing and at the same time just expects that everyone is noticing what they are doing? i was just thinking about this for no real reason except that i'm quite bored and also, i think that most of my friends and i fit into one of those categories. actually, i think the chain of events that brought about that question in my mind began with my hearing this song. it certainly is a fine song. as are the rest of the songs on Sunny 16. ben is amazing. people, love him. that was a command not a statement.

i wish i had a camera right now. taking pictures could occupy much time. i need to convince my ma that she needs a new camera so she'll give me hers. whats more fun than digital cameras and the instant satisfaction they bring? this year has involved far too few photo shoots. oh, and by this year, i refer to this school year, not 2004, as most people would be. i am really set in the way of measuring life by school, i hope that ends one day. which it will. because it has to.

so he called me, and we're supposed to go have coffee sometime this week. hopefully my insides don't shrivel up and die before then. because they feel like they might on occasion, either that, or crawl up my throat and run away while i sleep. insides, don't turn on me. we can all get through this and it will be just fine.

this is long. and i'm bored of being bored and bored of writing about being bored and if you read all of this you're probably tired of reading what i wrote about being bored. haha. what a sucker. so i'll end with this. this being something that doesn't exist yet, but will within the next hour. adieu.

saving a sentence to break into words. the letters fall out. they litter old floors. the tables were we used to sit and dance with our thoughts and plans, they fall away to crevices in the caves of emotions and hormones; we feel and swim. crawling gliding under and over the water tasting oldrootbeer and bubblegum. grasping for those locked doors blind hands never meant to close. there's this feeling in the tips of fingers and old pens that scribbled all those thoughts and letters that i knew i'd never send. it tingles and reaches for the end of the road. the answer to all those stories fairytales. don't let the slippery ice at the inside of the bend pull you down. i'd like to disregard plans you say and trouble you make. but love is round. and i know that when you call. ((i fall))