i don't know. you should probably stop reading and ignore this entry. just so you know, its just me rambling and getting things out.

i've been thinking about a lot thats happened in the past year, and how some of it is good, and some of it is bad. how i've let myself fall a lot more than i've worked on lifting myself up. and i've gotten caught up in and tripped on cracks and crevices. i don't think i've been as strong as i like to be. i've been too dependent and too secretive. i've been pushing some people away, and pulling others towards me. and mostly not the right people in the right direction. i would change some things if i could, but i really can't, so i'm learning to learn from them and then forget them, and go on. going on is what i've already done, but i never put much effort into the learning from and forgetting, and therefore when they are brought up in later times they are apt to create problems for me. thus my attempt at a new course of action.

i'm trying to improve myself i guess. but this time, with some help from select people, i really feel better. sometimes its really hard for me not to feel so weak and like a failure. i don't see myself as strong. i don't see myself as having many talents. i don't see myself as very attractive. and often i don't see myself as very smart. but i'm working on these things. i'm trying not to analyze every little thing so much, i'm trying to see my good points and improve my not so good ones. i'm quitting bad habits that only make me feel worse. and i'm staying out of things like relationships for a while.

i'm trying to get my life together, whatever that means, because i guess i'm the only one who saw that it fell apart. because maybe it was all in my mind. but i'm feeling more stable, i've got more energy. i want to be with people, make plans, have conversations, instead of wanting to be alone.

i guess the point is i'm feeling better. and that might not mean much to you. and you might belittle me and this entire process i feel i'm going through. but thats okay. because i really don't need you to believe. i only need me, and those that do.