that happens everytime i come home. its usually just nice to be home for a day or two, and i almost miss being around. and then at some point my dad finds a reason to interrogate and/or lecture me. or yell at me about nothing or make me stay home all day or go to sleep at 10. and then i remember why i like not living here.

and then i stay up late and remember my 18 years of growing up here. i remember old friends, going to school, hanging around my house. and all the little moments that you think will exist in your memory forever until they start to fade. and then i feel really lame for thinking all of this when i've only been living in chico for about 7 months. its a strange thing. i want to live on my own. i want to be independent. it just makes me feel sad sometimes when i realize all the little things i miss not living here. but that is how life goes i guess. you grow up and move on and you have your own life and your own little moments. and your family is still there but they are no longer a big part of your day to day life and you have to get used to that.

i'm going to try to think about this less right now.

in the last day or two, being at home all day and thinking too much, i've been thinking about my relationships with friends, new and old. somehow, even after not staying in touch too well with old friends, things are still the same, we fall back into old patterns and being close like its only been a few weeks. the comfort and closeness is so nice sometimes. i don't have to think so much around them and it never enters my mind that maybe they're tired of me. and while thinking this i realized that lately that thought has been entering my mind in relation to new friends. maybe i just have low self esteem or lack of confidence. i just often get the feeling that i can be a burden or an annoyance, and some people try to avoid me sometimes. i understand that people need alone time. i need that a alot. and i understand that we all live together, so its hard not to get tired of people occasionally. but sometimes i start to feel like i'm being ignored or avoided when there is someone more interesting around. i can't really explain that. its just something i've been feeling occasionally.

and maybe its just me being too sensitive. so i'll try and stop.

in other thoughts of late, i miss nate. and he was just here. and i guess i'm just a little emotional and sensitive and such lately and i'm just wanting someone to be here for me to go to and just be with and talk to. someone who wants to be with just me. and then i keep feeling like i'm not really conveying my feelings to him well. like maybe i'm not doing everything i could be doing. i'm not so sure. i was going to call him earlier and got distracted because my dad was "talking" to me forever. and then it was late and i didn't want to call his house too late or anything. and i dont know why i'm writing about this here. i'm so bad at communication.

i'm sorry. and dont worry about me if anyone reads this. i'm just being me so i'm going to go do something else and stop putting my emotions on display.