and i wish it hadn't made my stomach sick to see you today. no, you don't know what i mean.

i'm so afraid of crushes. and i'm more afraid of things that work.

i dont know why i keep caring about things that just don't matter anymore. or shouldn't matter. just when you think its okay. just when you think you've forgotten. how do people heal when they keep tearing out the sutures?

i wish that all of you would go away. and i'm not going to specify because i'm too afraid of confrontation. and i don't like causing problems. and i love you guys. or maybe i'd just like to believe its me not you.

and i just keep watching you. and wanting that. and not understanding why its something i can never have. and i feel like the worst person in the world. i'm sorry.

i wish you the best of luck. but then i know you don't really need it. i would follow you around. (and hide in the background forever) and it would be okay. no matter how much it hurt. it would be okay. because my happiness for you might somehow cancel out my emptiness.

i want to know the future. i want to know the outcome of my life. i just keep watching the movie unfold and i'm too impatient to see it through. lets fastforward to the ending. past the mistakes, past the surprises.

this lump in my throat -needs to melt away-

and if i'm a burden just let me know. pulling you under isn't what i have in mind. ((just let me go))

hate.misery.saline. melancholy.insecurities.fear. confusion.self-inflicted pain.