but it always ends up being someone else that i'd like to be. or i get scared.

i realized tonight as i do every so often that i worry too much what people think. i am much less concerned with it than many people, but still too much to please myself.

i went with some friends to play pool at this weird new place, "the spot" and there were quite a few people there. no one that i really admire or respect or even really like except the 3 people i was there with. but for some reason i felt self-concious the entire time and out of place. i didn't enjoy playing at all and was thinking that i really didn't like pool until i remembered how much i liked playing at dannielle's house.

and that really got me thinking. how many things are there that i decide i dont like simply because of my mood and the atmosphere in which i experience them.

which would completely explain how often i feel like a hypocrite.

i've decided i'm going to work on myself this year, because if i am more pleased with myself i'm going to assume other things will fall into place much more easily.

numero uno: stop worrying about what people think of me. if i continue to do what i like, eventually it won't seem so strange. i will have more fun this way, be more open. and not get caught in so many sticky situations.

two: i'm going to be more straight forward and honest. with everyone.

3: i'm going to stop dwelling on anything that i do not have and only on what i have or can have and what i can do with that.

for now those are my goals. we'll see what becomes of them. as i stated long ago, i'm a list maker not a list doer. but this is a list i intend to follow through with.

i didn't mean to write so much tonight but my mind is thinking all of these things.

one last thing, when there is any awkwardness between me and another someone i'm going to try to address that as soon as possible rather than let it carry on causing little problems in our lives and the lives of those around us.

and now i am ready to sleep. goodnight

ps-if this bored you refer to Dec. 29 at 3:40pm.

ah, much better.