its christmas time and i'm always sad

maybe it was christmas growing up. and my dad...

my favorite time of year

up until gathering around the tree

infamous christmas exchanges

i want to love it. i really do.

for some reason it never works that way

i can't explain this sadness this strange anxiety. washes over me like love and happiness is over those around me

tears well up in my eyes.

the momentary happiness. the gratefulness for such good friends. wonderful people who i know love me. friends i am lucky to have.

i dont want to go home for christmas. and no one understands.

gathering around the tree. its not the same for us. trying to please my dad. he's never thankful. never appreciates anything.

every year the same thing. christmas. my favorite time of year. i do everything i can to build it up. shopping, christmas trees, tinsel, hot chocolate and love

getting excited. spending time with friends. rain and snow.

until its time for real festivities. and i can't take it anymore...

i wish for christmas with my friends. but i dont think they quite understand. they grin and say how fun. but really will always have other plans. one day it will be different. my own family my own life. i'll never ruin christmas for them. never.