ben folds rocks

i'm an extremely obsessive person

i always want to be what i admire most in people

i'm obsessed with lists. everyone wants to improve them selves. i always want to make myself a better person. but that better person is generally composed of interests/likes/dislikes/trivial behaviors..etc of people i come into contact with. i usually don't focus on my own personality and developing it. it can be hard to look at yourself and see your own personality traits/quirks/odd behaviors like you can see someone elses.

when i'm in one of my contemplative moods (if you know me well you have experience with these) i think excessively and decide I will improve myself...this tends to consist of:

A. Composing a list of things I should stop doing/start doing/ develop an interest in/look like/get

B. Thinking about this list and the items in it

.... I think there is a C. but i've never gotten that far. my list usually seems good to me. but then either someone tells me a reason why its not good. i'm so easily swayed. or I simply never accomplish all of the items on my list. lists can make you feel so accomplished without doing a thing...

things i've noticed:

i really love music

i'm entirely too emotional and sensitive in all the wrong ways

i don't like my writing

i generally feel unaccomplished

i waste entirely too much time on the computer

i can't leave anything open

i don't like no's

all of the things i've noticed begin with i...

i want to write better. or rather in a way I would like more. if that makes sense.

i've always loved music. lately i've had a great desire to play an instrument. i've played the clarinet before..and the piano...but never to the point where I was really good. i just didn't commit the time, perhaps it didn't interest me enough then. I wanted to try the violin because i've always loved the violin but apparently violin instruction is only open to music majors aka not me. this is somewhat understandable what with the budget cuts in performing arts however, it upsets me greatly. because of this new discovery, i've decided to try to piano again, seeing as I have a keyboard. i brought it to chico and hopefully i actually spend some time practicing....i'll update you on that

speaking of majors...i don't have one and i need one. psychology? philosophy? art? music? i like so many things. and i'm so indecisive. perhaps i'll decide one day...

I've found that I really enjoy discussing philosophy and having philosophical discussions of the very very little i've done of this... With one person or a very small group of people. it really interests me, although i have trouble discussing in a class setting. and i dislike philosophy tests...namely kirk monforts philosophy tests

i tend to be hurt too easily. when i know i shouldn't be. perhaps i'm insecure. perhaps i have low self esteem. i always like to think i have a relatively healthy self image. maybe not. i just know that the slightest thing can bring about feelings of inadequacy in me. feelings that often know are ridiculous even as they creep into my mind. maybe i can work on this but i dont know how

no matter what happens or what anyone does i still believe that there is good in everyone. anne frank said something along those lines. i tend to agree.

call me naive. call me gullible. maybe i'm just smarter than all of you. hate isn't in me. or rather the capactiy to not find good within someone isn't in me, and if someone has good in them i cannot hate them.

likeable things:

my friends...the newest and the ones who've always been there

music

fuzzy things

black and red

concerts

beds

the rain

a moment: earlier when i was going to "fitness" class there was a guy and a girl in the area inside in front of the gym. the guy was teaching the girl to dance..or they were practicing. either way, it made me smile and think...why don't i have a someone to dance with...