then, i was going to go to guitar lessons, but i wasn't so sure if they were happening tonight for various reasons. i went and drove by anyway, to check, and the house was dark.

and because i was in the vicinity, i somehow ended up driving to the old GST classroom. i checked, and it was unlocked as usual, so i went in and looked around. there were left over papers in the cubbies, and the pens they made with sticks and tips doing pen and ink work with robert. and valentines they must have given each other, and pieces of wire and glass. and their glass profiles were lined up on the windowsil, columns and cave paintings on the walls. there was a list where they signed up for their presentations this semester, and a list of the who was in which play. and a big picture of them at the legion of honor museum in san francisco.

i almost wanted to stay right there and wait for class tomorrow. wanted so bad to do so and have my class come in. its weird that i feel this strange sort of jealousy and irritation towards the new class. because they are there, and i'm sure they don't quite appreciate it, just like we never quite did. and because i know they're better than we were overall. that they go to class more, and they try harder. but i would do all of that if i could have it again. i want the community and the art days and the professors and the fieldtrips.

its weird how when i was reading brochures for the class, they kept saying that GST would be challenging but rewarding, that you would really get to know classmates and make great friends, that it would define your freshman year so that you would never forget it. and all of those things have come true. exactly how they claimed they would.

Emilie was over here yesterday, and we were looking through my old pictures. there were a lot from GST trips, and a lot of hanging out with friends. most of the people in those pictures are from GST.

so i guess the point is, i miss it. i miss the routine and the exciting things we did. and so much more. and i guess one of the main things that bothers me about that, is the fact that i didn't realize what i was getting while i was getting it. and i didn't put enough in to get would i could have out of it.

what will define my sophomore year of schooling? a lot of procrastination, barely getting by, too much drama with friends, losing friends who i once thought were some of the most important people in my life, and constantly changing my mind.

two months left. how will i use them?

(i worry not about sweet summer, there are already plans for it to be well spent.)

xo-kt