today was weird because i felt a bit off. and emilie felt a lot off. and i feel like everything has been at least the slightest bit off between us for a while now, i guess mostly since that one strange night. this makes me sort of anxious in most every other area of my life.

today, curt and i went shopping at costco and i was definately feeling married and middle aged. which is sorta fun on occasion. only on occasion mind you. but i've got food now. and to let you in on a secret, i was down to the following: frozen chicken breasts, pickles, 1 egg, a half bag of shredded cheese, a can of potato soup, cream of wheat, and some tea i stole from curt, with his permission. so now i'm doing a lot better in that department. so at least that is good.

we also went to a pet shop later because i wanted to play with puppies. it took much convincing, or rather a battle with curt over his keys to get he and emilie out the door, but i know emilie was later glad i won, and although i can't say curt would admit it, he might have been as well. sadly, we found no puppies though, only fish, birds, and rabbits. but maybe i was supposed to go there and see those rabbits and realize its much more realistic for me to want a small furry friend, such as a rabbit, rather than a dog or cat. because as much as i want one, i do realize its rather unrealistic for my current position in life. but a rabbit i'm quite sure i could handle. so i'm going to look into it a bit, and although i'd rather not, i figure i ought to consult at least my mother. so perhaps the purchasing of a lovely small bunny is in order this week. i'll update you on that.

so right now i'm feeling a little better than i have been, not that i've been feeling especially bad, just sort of tense and anxious. i should have paid more attention to it earlier, but i pushed it away and it just stayed around. a big clue should have been the feeling i kept getting anytime i was any sort of intoxicated. because it was just magnifying that feeling and i would suddenly want more than anything to just be sober. not an overwhelming need to be. i was just wishing i was, and wanting to feel okay and normal again. normal i guess being my normal state of thinking and feeling minus my mind and body being all twisted and turning. my mistake was that as soon as i sobered, i'd jump right back in and try it again. so the thing is i've been feeling odd. and i think its really a combination of things. mainly seeing him and talking to him again and having it fall off just as fast as it began. and i'm not really sure what to think or feel. i mean i guess i already am trying to forget, but its only been one weekend, which is not enough time to tell or think or decide anything. and i know that this is making me feel so anxious. and the worst possible way i could handle that feeling is to suppress it and go about forgetting him. because we know that didn't work well before. in any way. so i hope there is some sort of explanation or closure. because otherwise i need to find a new way to expell this tension. and i have no idea of how to go about doing that.

and the rest of whatever i'm feeling thats making me uncomfortable i think stems from this boy. i like being with him and talking to him and seeing him. and i'm so scared of making the wrong choices or missing something else that i keep jumping in and then backing off. and then hesitating. and maybe that only makes sense to me and him.

but maybe the real problem is something like what he said, that i'm searching for someone or something to help me remember or realize or decide who i am. someone to give me a place and a comfort and a life. i thought i had come so far in being that for myself, and i guess i really have made a lot of progress from where i was two years ago, even one year ago. and thats good. i keep expecting this journey, or whatever it is you might call it, that leads to self confidence and inner peace, to end. to have a conclusion, so i can go on and live with that, but maybe that's just something i made up in my head. because its an easier goal to attain than what i'm realizing is maybe the reality that the journey is actually your entire life. because really, you never stop changing and developing and making new decisions until you die. and while that scares me, that must be the way its always been, meaning that everyone who's ever lived has gone through that. and so there must be some way to find the truth and some way to find peace and still live your life without all of this anxiety.

at any rate, i'm going to sleep now, so i'll see emilie and curt in class tomorrow and to anyone else, goodnight.

xo-kt