no i don't think i have any serious illnesses, though sometimes i wish i did because it could explain away everything and i would have something to blame.

i think i have obessive-compulsive tendencies, but not OCD.

i think i feel depressed sometimes, but i don't really have depression.

i think i have low self-esteem, and i think i care too much what you think.

sometimes someone says things or i feel things. so that i want to just cut in and let go of all the badness. like maybe it will free me. maybe i will be numb and not have to feel. and not having to feel would leave me able to do everything i want to do, free of worrying about the scorn of others, or not being good enough, or not having love.

but its twisted logic and wrong.

and so i look to the other side and know i'm okay.

i just need to be me. and thats been okay to do lately. and it feels nice. but today i feel like i'm holding things in again. and the pressure is building.

'and my head feels weak and suddenly its clear to see its not them but me who's lost my self identity, as i hide behind these books i read, while scribbling my poetry, like art could save a wretch like me with some ideal ideology, that no one could hope to achieve. and i'm never real, its just a sketch of me...'

i have no faith. but its all i want to be loved, and believed.